When We're Held Hostage

How often have we heard someone say, "You don't know just how tough a time I've had" or "If you only knew what I had to go through..." (like walking 5 miles to school every day through the snow, uphill both ways or enduring the boss/coworker/neighbor/illness/accident from hell). Whenever I hear comments like those, I immediately ask myself why so many people wear their misery like it's a crown of glory. The obvious answer is because they're attached to it. But, I also know that every one of those people would flatly, even vehemently deny that they're attached to their misery. They'd give anything to get rid of it. So, what are they really attached to? Why do they choose to experience misery as a way of life?

They're attached to the drama of it. It's being in the midst of drama that allows people to feel that they're on center stage and the world is focused on them. It's the drama that gives meaning to existence. It's the drama that ego creates as a poor substitute for lack of joy. It's being in the middle of a drama that gives people the false sense that they can change the script - that ego has the power to change the beliefs of others or the outcome of circumstances. Ego tells us that life without drama would be boring. There would be nothing to overcome. There would be no challenges, struggles, or triumphs. Life would become meaningless. The peace of spirituality offers nothing but dull routine. So, people cling to their dramas. Drama is the only thing that makes them feel alive.

For those who love the drama, ego offers the following guarantee: As long as you believe that other people and external conditions are responsible for your happiness, or any condition of being, you will never live life; you will only be victimized by it. Even if you change the script, it is still just a script. No matter how adept you become at manifesting your dreams or fulfilling your wants, they are still external conditions that you rely on for your sense of well-being and your validation of self. You will never experience the freedom of being who you truly are; you will only experience what it is like to be held hostage by a false reality. If ego is the false self, what other than a false reality does it have to project or protect?

Ego knows nothing greater than itself and, therefore, views everything as a potential threat to it. Spirit knows that everything is part of the All and views everything as an opportunity for growth, joy, and expression of Divine Love. What's an easy way to tell the difference? You'd think the answer would be obvious, but for those people so caught up in the voice of ego that it's the only thing they hear, ego will tell them ANYTHING they want want to hear just to keep them dependent on listening to ego's voice (sort of like a politician and campaign promises). After all, ego's sole reason for existence is to validate its existence. It will use any means to do so. Like God, ego wears many faces. Regardless of the mask it wears, it's still holding you hostage. What ego never wants you to realize is that the gun it is pointing at you is loaded with blanks. The hostage situation that you find yourself in, is by your own creation and belief system. The only power that anything external holds is the power you give it.

So, how can we tell the difference between promises of great happiness and boundless joy; of excitement for life and a passion for living; of an honest existence and living in truth; of denying our materialistic wants and having a desire for all things? There are tremendous differences in all of these. I follow a simple axiom: If it isn't Divine Love, it's ego. Period.

But, what is Divine Love? Perhaps it is easier to define what Divine Love isn't rather than what it is. Contrary to everything I've been taught, I have come to know that Divine Love is NOT an emotion. Love, as humanity understands it, is so often predicated on validation. "I love you. I hope you love me." "I love you in spite of what you do or believe." "I'll love you if you'll love me." "I'll love you when you show me how much you love me." "I love you because you fulfill my expectations." This isn't love. It's commodity trading. This kind of love (emotional love) still holds us hostage because we are validating something external to ourselves as having greater value than our inner sense of being-ness. Ego interprets this as saying, "I love myself more than I love anything else." "I don't care how others feel about me because I only love myself." "I'm so wonderful that I can love others regardless of what they do or who they are." In our efforts to overcome ego, we deny its voice and end up refusing to love ourselves at all.

Although emotions (especially the emotion of love) can serve as a bridge between thought (intellect) and spirit, emotions are as tied to ego as thought is. We see something, we instantly form a judgment (even unconsciously), and from this judgment we create an emotional response which, in turn, validates our judgment, which instantly feeds our emotion(s) (and on, and on) all in the mere blink of an eye. Observe yourself and this process the next time you walk through an art gallery or watch a kitten playing or witness an act of violence or blatant discourtesy. Whenever experiencing any intense anger, whether it's toward a family member, friend, co-worker, or even a stranger, what is your first internal reaction? Is it to withhold love or affection or approval? This precise feeling is a trigger to help you see that your "love" is the commodity of emotion - to be traded, awarded, or withheld. This feeling is also the trigger of ego's gun that it's using to hold you hostage to a false reality.

I have come to experience Divine Love as the essence of existence. It's what bonds (without binding) all things as ONE. It is neither good nor bad, great or small, exuberant or subtle. It just IS. It is the core of all energies. It is eternal, lasting fully through this instant of now.

Once again, the voice of ego rises and says, "Does this mean that we're supposed to live our lives without judgment - without caring about crime or war or man's inhumanity to man? Does this mean that we have carte blanche to be sociopaths or self-serving hedonists?" No it does not. But, ego, in its endless quest to validate itself and hold you hostage, will misinterpret the voice of spirit. Ego will warp its own false reality. It will confuse feeling "bad" with being "wrong" and will confuse feeling "good" with being "right." It will hold us hostage to the script (drama) that we create in our quest for happiness which the ego has convinced us is the same thing as doing the "right" thing. And, if anything goes "wrong" in our drama, we can always blame someone (including ourselves) because, certainly we, as children of God, wouldn't consciously create anything to cause harm or negativity. Spirituality is smarter than ego. Right?

Spirituality has nothing to do with intelligence, or with "outsmarting" ego. Being spiritual has nothing to do with how well you can manifest financial security or a stable life or better health. Being spiritual is about maintaining inner peace and expressing Divine Love regardless of what our finances, life, or health are like. We are humans. We live in a material world. We deal with it in the manner that best facilitates our human life while at the same time, promotes our spiritual growth. If this means quitting a job or divorcing a spouse or moving to a different location when your job, marriage, or home no longer serves your growth, then do so. If this means celebrating your promotion or getting married or redecorating your home, do that too. But, take care that you do it to serve spiritual growth, not to "feel good" or make yourself "happy."

Happiness is just one of the many weapons in ego's arsenal. Its biggest (or greatest) is the weapon of fear. Since fear is the root of ALL negativity, one could say that ego's only weapon is fear - but it's a big one. Fear isn't limited to survival. Fear is prevalent in all phases of life. "What if I lose my job? What if I do something that makes me look stupid (to the people who are important to me)? What if my idea isn't accepted (by the people I want to impress)? What if my boss catches me goofing off? What if I make a mistake? What if someone makes me feel ashamed or guilty or rejected or abandoned (when I need their love to make me happy)? What if I have an accident? What if I'm late for my appointment? What if I ruin the pot roast for my guests? What if the doctor says I have an incurable disease?" Fear is so pervasive that it can be said to rule our lives. We cope with our fears by avoiding whatever makes us afraid. We obey the law because we're afraid of being fined or arrested. We file our taxes because we're afraid of the IRS. We show up to those jobs we hate because we're afraid of being fired. We placate our spouses/friends/family members because we're afraid of their scorn. We follow God's commandments because we're afraid of going to hell. Ask yourself if your relationship with your boss/job/family/friends/God is a true relationship or a hostage situation.

The energies of fear are the quickest and most assured way of blocking the flow of the energies of Divine Love. Why else does ego LOVE fear? How else can it hold you not only hostage, but enslaved to its insanity? So, how do you combat that fear? How do you escape the hostage situation? With every event in your life - EVERY event (major, minor, or seemingly meaningless), ask yourself, "How can this serve my spiritual growth?" In this, you will find acceptance for all things. Acceptance doesn't mean having to "like" something or even settle for what's handed to you. The first is faking reality. The second is victim-hood. Acceptance is finding opportunity for growth and for allowing the energies of Divine Love to flow.

When you find your center in inner peace, ego no longer has power over you (the power that your intellect and emotions gave it in the first place - the power that ego gave itself). It can no longer hold you hostage.

(c) 12/12/2008

The Illusions of Ego

Ego is often referred to as “the false self” and when I speak of ego, I’m not just talking about pride or expressions of inflated self-esteem. I’m speaking of all the ways of being that we get drawn into when we express ourselves as anything other than our true loving light.

Since ego is the false self, what other than illusion does it have to offer? I have often said that ego LOVES to be entertained – even if it’s entertained by being bored. Boredom too is ego. Ego uses entertainment to keep us diverted from our paths of spiritual growth. In this case, “entertainment” isn’t merely going to movies or playing games. Entertainment for the ego is the drama of any emotion: anger, jealousy, rage, betrayal, pride, competition, self-righteousness, sarcasm, depression, despair, confusion, and most of all, fear.

Diversion, magic, or illusion are ego’s greatest pleasures for these things keep it entertained as well as keep us focused away from our spiritual growth. Growth means “death” or an end to the ego. And, since justifying its existence is ego’s sole reason for existence, it will use any and every method of diversion to keep us feeding it as well as feeding off of it. It’s a two-way street. We supply it with the energy that it uses to keep us entertained. It is our entertainment which supplies ego with its energy.

Nonetheless, I went for some entertainment recently and watched the movie, “The Incredible Hulk” (the re-make starring Edward Norton). Ever since the movie was released (some time last summer), I have steadfastly refused to watch it, believing that it was nothing more inspiring than the original television series starring Bill Bixby (as “Bruce”) and Lou Ferrigno as the Hulk. Basically, every time Bruce got angry, he turned into a raging monster and destroyed things.

A number of friends assured me that in the re-made movie, this wasn’t the case. Mild-mannered Bruce practices Zen meditation to help him control his anger. I was all for this approach, as I often recommend meditation on the inner self and contemplating infinity and the wisdom of the All found in the eternity of “nothing.” It’s called “Dharma” by some, yin/yang by others, Zen, Tao, the “Ohmm” of mantra…you name it.

True, Bruce in the movie did practice Zen. His Zen master (teacher) made the comment that controlling one’s body was the key to controlling one’s anger. He even did some impressive displays for the camera to show how well he could control his body, breathing, and diaphragm. However, I have to ask, is inner peace all about how well you can control your anger or fear?

No. It is not.

Inner peace is all about not having anger or fear to control in the first place. But, ego LOVES to be entertained. Anger and fear are its greatest sources of entertainment. As long as you believe that peace is about control, ego will keep providing you fear and anger to control. You’ll eventually become a master of control but never a master of peace. When you’re focused through ego, you can only see a false reality.

How many problems are you currently facing in your life, or how many people do you see who face challenge after challenge, overcoming one only to face another? Existence from problem to problem is a mark of addiction to drama. It is ego’s entertainment. All things exist as energies, and at their core, all energies are the same. It is only our perceptions of them that make them appear as they are to us. When you encounter a challenge, whatever you perceive it to be, it is nothing more than your non-acceptance of what that energy is at its core.

By “acceptance,” I don’t mean taking what’s handed to you or settling for only what you can obtain. That’s acquiescence, and acquiescence is never acceptance. It’s victim hood. As long as you perceive any energy (feeling or emotion) as originating from outside of yourself, you’re not recognizing your power as the Creator of it, and being responsible for it. It is ego, however, that wants you to view it as externally generated, for as long as you view yourself as striving for something, you won’t view yourself as already having or being. This includes things like inner peace, harmony, balance, enlightenment, and love.

You’ve been shown this principle in action many times throughout your lives. How often have you looked back on an event that transpired, that you once viewed as a problem, only to realize that if it hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t be in the “better” place where you are today? You came to see that your challenge was merely an opportunity; an opportunity for change or resolution or advancement. You then had a sudden clarity of vision and acceptance for the event and its energies. With this clarity and acceptance, you discovered peace.

Peace is in the acceptance of all energies and their possibilities, not about controlling them. It’s only when we try to control things that the appearance of another energy seems like an intrusion or problem. Contrary to what ego wants you to perceive, control isn’t about power. It’s about non-acceptance. Non-acceptance creates blockage to spiritual growth. Blockage empowers ego. Ego creates illusion for its own advancement. The more it advances or grows, the more adept it becomes at creating illusion.

Strive for clarity of vision. With clarity come changes in perspective and perception. These changes allow greater acceptance. Acceptance is peace. Ego and its illusions fade.

Faith, Hope, Belief, & Trust

I came into a bit of money about a year ago. I immediately put the bulk of it into savings and decided to go on a shopping spree with the rest of it. At last, I'd be able to walk through a store and get anything and everything I wanted. After spending several hours going first to one place and then another, and walking up and down aisles to the point of exhaustion, I ended up spending a grand total of 57 cents on a couple of skeins of embroidery floss. But, I learned something very valuable from the experience.

Even though I was far from exceeding my budget, I still couldn't spend past my comfort level of spending. Without regard to prices, I felt uncomfortable picking something off a display and putting it in my shopping cart simply because I wanted it at the moment. I had never spent recklessly or wantonly in my life, having been too accustomed to always operating within a budget - within limitation. It wouldn't have mattered if I'd had $50 or $500,000, I still set my limitation and confined myself within it.

From that, I learned that it doesn't matter how wealthy or poor a person is -- all that matters is how wealthy or poor he feels.

Feeling is experiencing. It's what you experience, and only what you experience that becomes your reality. As long as we choose to experience poverty, we'll remain poor. So, what good is money - wealth - if you don't experience it? What good is money if you don't use it? What good is money if you can't trust spending it?

Trust had been an issue with me for a long time, but it had nothing to do with trusting money. It had everything to do with trusting God and for years I had considered myself a spiritually wealthy woman. But, had I been?

What good is money if you can't trust it? What good is God if you can't trust Him? If a person can't truly trust God, then the most he can do is believe in God. But, belief is nothing more than an indication of a lack of experience. Belief is a process of thinking or feeling that something other or better or greater exists than what you are experiencing right here, right now.

Because experience is your only reality, then once you've experienced something, it becomes part of who you are. So, once you have experienced God and have become God - to the extent that you have experienced God, then simple belief in God is no longer necessary. You no longer have to believe because you know - because you ARE. As you experience God, things such as belief, faith, and hope become meaningless; all of them reflecting a grasping for, or reaching towards that which you do not feel or experience. When you say, "I believe," or "I have hope," or "I have faith'" that things will work out, you're dwelling in a state or condition of emptiness - of non-acceptance for what IS. You are denying the NOW and placing your state of being - your expectation of existence in what is to come. When you say that you trust that God will provide or resolve, you are blinding yourself to seeing that God already IS. God can only BE - right HERE, right NOW, for here and now-- what you are experiencing right now, is your only reality. Trust, hope, belief, and faith point towards the future; wherever God isn't.

So, when you place your energy in hope, faith, belief, and trust, you are acknowledging all that isn't. Since the only reality is what IS, and since God is all that IS, then hope, faith, belief, and trust serve only a false reality; they exist to serve ego.

It's ironic, isn't it? Fully embracing and accepting the moment means saying "I'm without faith. I'm faithless. I'm without hope. I'm hopeless. I'm without trust. I'm without belief." All this goes entirely against what we're taught as being the greatest God-like qualities and what we strive to achieve all our lives.

(c) 10/12/2008

The Most You Can Do

A Being is walking along a beach and sees another Being in the water, struggling to swim and gasping for breath. Recognizing him as a drowning man, this Being jumps into the water and rescues him. He drags the drowning man up onto the beach and administers aid to ensure that the man will live. But, the rescuer sees yet another drowning Being in the water and he rushes off to save the second one, knowing that the first will soon recover.

Along comes another Being walking on the sandy beach and he sees the first Being lying in the sand, thrashing back and forth, struggling for air. Recognizing him as a fish, the Being throws him back into the water.

We each have our own perceptions. So, are all those who we perceive to need healing really in need of being healed - with what we offer as healing? Come to know, love, and heal yourself first. The most and best you can do is simply BE, and to BE with Love. Only then you will come to know when, how, and who to truly heal.

(c) 2/16/2008

God, My Servant

I know a beautician who is facing the loss of her job when the beauty parlor she works in closes its doors and hangs out a "for sale" sign. This woman has decided that she wants to go into business for herself and work out of her home or her own small shop and she's asking others to pray for her; to pray that things will work out that way.

What is this woman really asking? What kind of prayer is she offering to God? Her prayer is not unlike thousands of others offered "up to God" on a daily basis. "Dear God, give me what I want and I won't bother you any more"; or "Dear God, get me through this crisis and I promise I'll be good"; or "Dear God, keep me from having to struggle and I'll love you forever."

In short, all these prayers are saying the same thing; "Dear God, please give in to my fear."

For those who are sincere in their requests, what happens when their prayers are answered (in the manner that they're expected to be answered)? The requester is thankful. The requester loves God even more. But, what kind of thankfulness or love can be built on a foundation of fear? What kind of thanksgiving or love is used as a tool of trade or a bargaining chip or a ticket to by-pass guilt?

For those who are sincere in their requests, what happens when their prayers aren't answered (in the expected manner)? The requester is often angry, confused, depressed, or resentful. And by this, they're punishing God. Maybe if they ignore Him, distrust Him, disobey Him, or show Him just how angry they are, God will be sorry and give them what they want.

If these scenarios seem too childish, examine closely the parallels of a temperamental child with an adult, and a fear-filled human being with God.

Yet, there are also many people who have grown beyond the "Dear God" phase. They can often be heard saying, "I just have to trust God." They "trust" God to know better than they do, what they want or need. Or, they "trust" God to not give them more than they can cope with. Yet so often, when the prayers aren't answered, this trust quickly turns to a sense of betrayal and the requester feels justified with his righteous indignation. Hasn't he merely set up God as a patsy or a "fall guy" for blame?

The underlying cause of all these behaviors is viewing God as outside one's self or apart from one's self. It's so much easier to blame someone or something else as the cause of misfortune or fear. And it's so much easier to allow ego that voice of false humility by attributing an external being with omnipotent power to create all fortune or happiness. Whether we view God as the cause of all fortune or misfortune, we're still placing ourselves in the victim mode.

As humans, we hold many images of God. In whatever form God appears to us, as long as we see that image as something external, we hold that image as our servant - to accept whatever responsibility we want to give it.

But, God is in all things. ALL things - to include every cell of my body, every atom, every nucleus, every DNA code, every thought, every emotion, every sensation, every feeling, every action. God and I are inseparable. All that I am, is God. I AM the Alpha and the Omega. I AM the creator and destroyer of all I experience and all that I AM.

(c) Ronnie Carroll
September 2008

Do You Believe?

My journey began with doubt.

Rene Descartes said, "If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things."

I was raised in the Unity Church; never clinging to the dogmatic rituals of Christianity, but accepting its tenets. I couldn't have been more than 9 years old when my belief system - or rather, my thought system began to change. I no longer viewed Jesus as the Son of God. From my perspective, at the time, he was more like the son of the devil; an impostor and a fraud and representing all that was truly ignoble in mankind. I was so uncomfortable with the image of The Christ that I couldn't even speak his name, nor could I look anyone in the eye when they said the name, "Jesus."

I carried that image into my early 20's when I began thinking for myself. After grappling with a lot of guilt about it, I concluded that Jesus wasn't all bad. After all, how many millions throughout the ages lived their lives in homage to, or seeking the grace of The Christ?

So, o.k., I finally admitted that Jesus was a good man; if nothing more than a wise and wonderful prophet. I was comfortable with this image not because it was what I was taught to believe, but was what I came to feel in my heart on my own terms. This image stayed with me well into my 40's until it began to change yet again.

Today, I have an image of Jesus that's far different than what the typical Christian icon presents. I've often thought about what his physical characteristics would be - having been born a Mediterranean Jew, and what his personality would be like, having lived in a society and country oppressed by Roman occupation.

But, I've come to see that my images of the man mean nothing. What matters is how I feel in my heart. Can the same be true for the vast majority of today's American Christian populace? How many people would still see Jesus as the Son of God if they were shown an image of him as an olive-skinned man with a hook nose and an unruly, unkempt tangle of black wavy or curly hair, who might be a bit hollow-cheeked from a poor diet?

From all this, I've asked myself, "What do people love more; Jesus the man, or their image of Jesus as a man? The same question applies to God. Do we worship God or merely the image we hold of God? Are our beliefs nothing more than glorified thoughts? What is the dividing line between a belief system and a thought system? Is there a dividing line at all?

Over the years, I've held many beliefs. In recent years, I've come to experience many spiritual truths. Each truth I experience becomes, in part, who I AM. These truths are as much a part of me as the color of my eyes or the sound of my voice. I no longer have to "believe in" them. Belief is not an option. So, when I ask myself if I believe in God, my answer is "no." What I have come to experience goes far beyond what any amount of belief could ever hope to achieve.

What do you believe? What have you come to know? How has it made you who you are?

Cloudy Days - New Energies

Here I am, a 50+ year-old woman living alone (with my pet cat - a Zen Master) in an apartment building full of college age adults. I call them "kids." They're half my age and young enough to be my children. New energies...body piercings, tattoos, Mohawks, Dreadlocks, Gothic clothes, baggy pants, metal studded leather collars, metal disks stretching ear lobes, entirely new language. "Rad," "bitchin'," and "dank" all mean the same thing. Depending on your generation or phase of vernacular, they mean that something is really "cool" or "hot." Or they could mean that something is "groovy," or really "smooth." I LOVE the new energies! The young adults are all so full of vibrant life and are fearlessly heading off into directions and horizons I've never dreamed of, and I've learned tremendous, valuable lessons from all of them.

I often sit out in front of the building and smoke and catch tenants walking in and out. Many often stop to share a smoke and brief conversation with me. For me, the four-floor elevator ride and clamor of Main Street traffic are well worth the sojourns. This morning was no different. At 9:30 on Saturday mornings the city is already wide awake and on the move. Aromas of hot waffles, bacon and coffee along with the hum of conversations drift to me from the patio diners in front of the cafe 10 feet to my right. The font door of the apartment building swings open-and-shut as tenants come and go.

A young man steps out. No tattoos or body piercings, but definitely new energies surround him. We don't know each other's names but we're on weather update speaking terms. The sky is overcast with heavy but broken clouds. Glare and sudden bursts of streaming sunlight await all who emerge from the dim recesses of the building.

"I didn't know it was so bright out here," the young man said to me in passing.

"It's the glare," I confirmed.

"Actually, people get more sun on a cloudy day like this than on a sunny day. They don't realize how much they get. It's because sunlight comes in at odd angles between the clouds, it hits and bounces off all kinds of things. You can be sitting under the shade of an umbrella..." he nodded towards the diners in front of the cafe, "and you can still get burned from the reflected rays."

For some reason, that caught my attention. I asked him if he'd read about it somewhere and he said, "I'm a lifeguard at the pool. I know all about the sun."

This brings me to my point. New Energies.

We've read about them, talked about them, and experienced them. Yet, how many of us really know what's going on when we're so often confused or troubled by them; when we're bounced from highs to lows, from feeling joyful to feeling miserable? The energies seem to be hitting us from all directions with no sense or definition...Just like the reflected glare of the sun.

From my perspective, I see all humans as spiritual beings. Each soul is brilliant, like a magnificent sun. But for many, there are layers of separation between their conscious thoughts and spiritual awareness. You can call these layers "veils of separation," or "the dark night of the soul," or "ego." You can call the layers anything you want. I think of them as clouds, obscuring the sun. They're all the same thing. And, to coin an old (very old) term, we're going through another "Age of Enlightenment." (The other "Age" that I'm referring to occurred in the American Colonies during the Industrial Revolution, mid to late 1700's). Spiritual light is breaking all around us. Layers and clouds are starting to shift and separate. In ever-changing patterns, they're breaking up, reuniting, and moving on. The light around and in us is growing and reflecting, resonating with, and responding to the refracted rays. Light is coming at us from all directions. Each of us, as a spiritual being, is radiating more from whatever position we happen to be in at the moment. Energies are colliding and coalescing in all kinds of wavelengths and from multiple directions, at all speeds, faster and faster.

Can we slow it down? Sure, but I wouldn't advise it. Can we alter the courses? Doubtful. Do we want to? I don't. Even though I also rise and fall with the wavelengths and get confused or discouraged from time to time and get banged around a bit, I'm learning to recognize when I'm bombarded with multiple energies from multiple directions. I'm learning to trust myself to deal with what I can and let the others drift or zoom or bounce by. I'll catch them on the rebound. Throughout all these changes, I play different roles.

Sometimes, I'm like a lifeguard. I understand what's happening and I make allowances and sidestep pitfalls. Sometimes, I'm like a sun-bather, not fully understanding all the actions of UV rays, but understanding enough to manipulate them to get a desired tan. Sometimes, I'm like an "unseasoned" seaside visitor, not knowing anything about what all the sun can do, but loving how it feels, and getting burned to a crisp in the process.

What do I do when this happens? First, and foremost, I love myself - with my heart/soul, not with my mind or through the veneer of emotion. I recognize that I am the Blessing of God that I have created myself to be. I am a human being. With this love, I find self-forgiveness. Through self-forgiveness, I experience my innocence and purity. From this purity, I come to experience my Birthright of Nobility - that of being human - or that of human being. With this, comes spiritual growth and enlightenment, in whatever way or form that I choose and that I can handle. Through Love, all things are possible.

Love yourself.
Enjoy.
BE!


(c) Ronnie Carroll
August 2008

http://ronniesperspective.bogspot.com
www.soulsolutionshealing.com

The Probability of Possibilities

I have recently read that belief isn't as much an acceptance of what can be proven, but rather, an acceptance of what can't be disproved. This is the Shift. In this, we are shedding the constraints of limitation ("I won't believe it without proof") and we're stepping into the limitlessness of possibility ("I see no reason not to believe it"). In a sense, it can be thought of as a shift from rigidly clinging to only what is probable to a looser acceptance of what is possible.

From this perspective, the Shift isn't something that is simply happening; it's something we're creating.

I like to view the Shift as a portal - a doorway of sorts, to an alternate vibrational frequency or "higher level" of awareness. So, in that sense, the Shift can be viewed as some thing that already exists that we are heading towards. Yet, doorways serve no purpose and have no use unless we walk through them. So, our creation of the Shift isn't that we make the doorways (which have always existed), but that we allow our consciousness to see, understand, and use their existence. We aren't creating the doorways but we are creating their functionality.

I make a distinction between consciousness and awareness. To me, consciousness is what the mind or intellect can logically grasp and assimilate. It is a thought-driven knowledge of our world and ourselves based on the data we receive through our five senses. Awareness is the inherent, limitless knowledge of the soul without words, without thought. It is an awareness of Being and of infinity. It is an inherent knowledge of the things beyond our conscious comprehension. Spiritual growth is simply removing the filters or veils of separation between spiritual awareness and intellectual consciousness. It is stepping through the portals from one realm to another. It is the Shift.

Humanity has always been shifting. Each person shifts at his own speed, in his own way, in his own time. But, what makes the Shift seem so real to us now is that we're becoming consciously aware of our conscious awareness. Science - quantum physics - is helping our consciousness and is greatly speeding up the process. Explorations of the sub-atomic realm are allowing us to perceive that which has always been un-perceive-able. To those who still cling to the "I won't believe it without proof," science is now offering the proof. One step at a time, we're being drawn through the doorways.

Many years ago, I wrote a "tidbit" of philosophy that says: "To deny the laws of physics is to deny the existence of God." When I wrote those words, I had no idea just how true they were. For me, the measure of truth is how well a belief endures the test of time. Does something remain as true or sound today as it did years, decades, or centuries ago? If so, then for me - for the time, it is truth. In this case (of my philosophy), the truth is even more true for me today than it was years ago when I first wrote it. Yes, even philosophers can continue to learn from their own words. But, over the years, as I have more fully embraced my truth, I have battled what I identify as disappointment - a "let down" so-to-speak. For me, I can equate this disappointment as a type of fear. It isn't fear as in "terror" or what's "scary," but fear as in not wanting to let go of what's been comfortable and consciously accepted all my life. What lies behind the door that I'm about to open? Once I step through it into the unknown, will I ever find my way back to the known?

For most of my life, I bought into the mass consciousness that God was some sort of perfect, omnipotent, all-powerful, all-present Being. Outside of myself. Something to aim for. But, as I began to remove filters and walk through doorways and journey on my Shift, I began to hear what my soul (my spiritual awareness) was telling me, and what quantum physics is starting to prove and is starting to be incapable of disproving. God isn't just in everything, God IS everything. God is the existence of existence and nothing doesn't exist.

Existence exists.
Nothing doesn't exist.
Well, DUH!

Contemplating these simple concepts is akin to contemplating infinity. I have spent years contemplating infinity and can spend many more years doing so. Infinity is, after all, infinite. The "nothing" concept of infinity is easy for me to explain. (Some could even argue that I have spent years contemplating nothing). We, as humans, only have a concept of nothing simply because we don't (or can't) perceive everything. So, if we perceive a void between any two points, perhaps it isn't because there's nothing there. It may be only because we don't perceive anything being there. My spiritual sponsor once told me that if the nucleus of an atom were enlarged to the size of a basketball, then the closest orbiting electron would be 30 miles away. Thirty MILES! What, in God's name is in all that space between the nucleus and the electron? If God IS all things, then the void isn't empty. It's full of God. Nothing doesn't exist.

Perhaps the space is full of parallel universes. This is something that quantum physics is starting to explore. Tests and experiments have been conducted over and over and over again, all with the same result; our known world at the sub-atomic level is being "interfered with" or impacted by another universe (or other universes) that are parallel to ours. Does this sound far-fetched? How many basketballs can you squeeze into a circle with a 30 mile radius?

Just think of the possibilities.

(c) 8/17/2008
Ronnie Carroll

http://soulsolutionshealing.com

Speak Not of Love

I once approached a Master
who sat quietly on the floor;
a tunic and a turban
were all the Master wore.

I said, "After many lifetimes
I've finally come to see
that Love is not an emotion.
It's the only way to BE."

The Master sat in silence
and gently clasped his hands,
then spoke one word to mystify -
he softly whispered, "And?"

I did not linger in his presence.
In confusion I withdrew
to re-assess all that I felt
and everything I knew.

I'd first hoped that the Master -
a Divinely Loving man,
would give to me his wisdom
and share his "Master Plan."

I had come to see that the Master
had a tremendous sense of wit
and laughing with mirth at spirit,
was his approach to it.

So, was he laughing from his prank
to send me on a fruitless chase
to search for an answer I'd already found
by dwelling in God's grace?

But a Master will not cause one harm
or limit free will of choice
or in any manner restrict one's growth
or deny another's voice.

So, I journeyed far in search of Love
and sought all truth of Being
and through it my horizons grew
and expanded my scope of seeing.

I found that on my spiritual road
there are many paths that turn;
not to confuse or lead me astray
but to show me new things to learn.

And so I've learned, and so I've grown
and so, I've traveled far.
I've learned that all things shouldn't BE,
but only that things ARE.

And in the midst of this spiritual way
I've felt Love for all that IS
transcending joy, transcending peace,
transcending hope and bliss.

I have no words to name the Love
or to speak of how it feels,
but I know in the core of spirit's depth
it's the EVERY thing that's real.

And if ever again I find the Master,
of Love, I will not speak.
For it's a mystery that can't be told.
It is Truth of all we seek.

The Music of Spirit

We've all had experiences of listening to a beautiful piece of music and being carried away on its melody or rhythm. Sometimes, when the piece ends we seem to "snap out of it" and say to ourselves, "What happened? Where was I?" or "I don't know where I went but it sure was great!" Regardless of the precise thoughts that brought us back to our physical worlds, we knew, without doubt, that we'd been or had gone somewhere; and that the "somewhere" certainly wasn't here.

For me, this was what happened when I journeyed "to the other side." I don't want to call it a "Near Death Experience" (NDE) or a "life after death experience, because I learned - I experienced beyond any possible doubt, that life never ends. When life never ends, there's no such thing as "near death," or "life after death," or even "life after life." There's no after-life because there's no end to life. We've all heard this. We all mentally or intellectually understand this. But, how many of us wonder what really happens? How does it feel to exchange the physical form of life for an energy form? What is the experience like?

We are energy beings. It's just that our energies are condensed and vibrate at a "lower" level than spiritual energy. From my perspective, it's the same theory as light. We see a partial spectrum: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. Yet, at the lower end of the light spectrum there's infrared and at the higher end there's ultraviolet. They exist and are as real as all the other wavelengths, but we don't see them. In the same manner, we can't hear the ultra low tones that whales can hear or the ultra high tones (whistles) that dogs can hear in the spectrum of sound. In the spectrum of spirituality, there's physical form (imbued with spiritual energy) and there's pure spiritual energy. We're much more aware of the physical form because we experience it through our five physical senses. It's only when we're conscious of "higher" vibrations that we become aware of spiritual energy.

So, my "journey to the other side" was simply being conscious of the shift of my energy vibrations. These journeys happen to people who achieve deep levels of meditation. They can also happen when you hear a piece of music, or whenever you experience a deep, peaceful bliss and you "go away somewhere." During these times, we're spiritually aware of the journey but, we may not be mentally conscious of the shift and of the journey. It's all about maintaining consciousness. This explanation takes away the "magic" and "mystery" of spiritual transcendence, but there's nothing magical or mystical about spirituality. We are spiritual beings and being spiritual is our natural state of being.

When my journey "to the other side" began, I heard music. As I lay in a hospital bed and gazed out at the pre-dawn gray of the world, I heard classical music. At first, it seemed so faint that I wasn't sure whether I heard it or only imagined it. So, I focused on it more intently and began to shut out the rest of the world. As the music grew louder, I thought it was being played over the intercom system. I silently applauded the hospital for having the good sense to play classical music and I also applauded their taste in it. It was like no music I'd ever heard - celestial, straining, and beautiful beyond description. It seemed to tug at my heart, so I followed it - with my heart.

We've all experienced tugs to our hearts; perhaps when we've held a sleeping baby or watched a kitten tussle with a ball of yarn, or gazed at a puppy through the window of a pet store. These "tugs" are the callings of our souls and are the energy wavelengths which we use to communicate with the spiritual nature of sentient beings and inanimate things around us. We communicate through resonance. Those vibrations that tug at our hearts (souls) are what vibrate within us, are generated by each of us, and characterize in part, the make-up of our souls/spirits. If we find ourselves responding in anger to someone else's anger, it's because our vibrations resonate with the vibrations of anger. If we relate to and respond to vibrations of harmony or compassion, it's because that's the resonance and vibration, or energy "wavelength" of our consciousness. Whatever it is - however it is structured or composed, it is ever-changing.

We respond to what we resonate with. We resonate with whatever we carry within us. This is why it's possible to be instantly attracted to, or repulsed by someone we've never before met. This is why it's possible to walk into a room or a home and sense the negative or positive energies within it, or to begin a course or series of actions and then sense or feel that they just aren't right. Many times, we have no proof or explanations to validate our feelings but we know, without doubt, they are true.

We are receptors as well as transmitters of energies. We are energy beings and we respond to whatever energies resonate with us. If we experience a negative situation and react to it with more negativity - even if we do something constructive (such as clean the house or chop wood to blow off steam), we are still transmitting and continuing to generate energies of negativity. If we take a moment to love and bless the food we are getting ready to eat, or the clothes we're getting ready to wear, or the car we're getting ready to drive, those energies of love will bless us again in return because we resonate with the energies they contain.

The energies that we maintain become our consciousness. They are, in a sense, the music of our spirit and the song of our soul. Our consciousness is our identity - that sense of self within ourselves; the eye of the I. When we physically die, we leave behind physical matter, but we take ourselves - our identities - our consciousness with us. The composition of our consciousness is always our choice. If we spend our lives focused on fear, responding to it, and dwelling in it, then fear is what we'll experience because it is what we resonate with. We all know that we can't run from our problems. So, what makes us think we can run from our fears when we transition? Likewise, if we spend our lives focused on love, then we'll experience a transition of love, because we recognize and resonate with the energies of love; they are what comprise the content of our consciousness.

So, look within to your own consciousness. If you feel peace and joy, strive to maintain an abundance of it. If you feel disquiet or discomfort, seek to change the composition of your consciousness. Focus on love. Focus on coming to know yourself - with love. Focus on the music of your spirit and let your soul sing.

Desire

The following is more-or-less a transcript of a conversation I had with my friend, Gabriel...

" 'Want' and 'desire' are two entirely different things," Gabriel said. "Want implies lack. Whenever you daydream about having more money, you also daydream about having things that you lack."

I nodded, secretly hoping that we wouldn't get into discussing some of those things I'd daydreamed about -- mansions, yachts, exotic pets, and all the accoutrements that came with them.

"Have you ever daydreamed about the things you already have?" Gabriel asked, snapping my wandering thoughts back to the present.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Have you ever daydreamed about the furniture that you already own, or the pictures on your walls, or your knicknacks?"

"No. But that doesn't mean I don't want them."

"That's exactly what that means. Think about it. Before you came into possession of those things, you wanted them. When you obtained the things you wanted, you stopped wanting them. Substitute the word 'lack' for the word 'want.' You lacked something so you obtained it. Once you obtained it, you no longer lacked it."

"I still wanted it. I'm not in the habit of expending effort and money to obtain something that I want and then throwing it away just because I no longer want it."

"You're speaking of desire."

"You're using semantics," I countered.

"Think about this. Do you make an effort to own -- or do you even wish to own, everything you see that's pleasant or pleasing in some manner -- hot sports cars, elegant evening gowns, an island paradise, museum gallery artwork, a beautiful sunset?"

"Of course not. Besides, you can't own a sunset."

"Does that mean you don't desire it?"

"No. But that doesn't mean I don't want it either. Or, to use your words - I don't 'lack' it."

"Exactly. When you see a beautiful sunset, you feel you don't 'lack' it because...why?"

I thought about this for a moment. "Because I'm experiencing it."

Gabriel smiled. "That is desire."

"Are you saying that desire is experiencing something that's pleasant?"

"In part. That's why you don't throw away the new furniture or sports car that you just bought -- because you still desire it. Desire is all about feeling. Lack - or want, is all about having or not having something. Let's consider world peace. People want world peace because they perceive a lack of it. Then, let's say that all the people in the world find a way to live peaceably with one another, and everyone is happy with it. They still desire it. Whether or not world peace, or a beautiful sunset, new furniture, or new car is obtained, it is still desired. When you want -- or lack something, and the want is fulfilled, the want -- or lack, no longer exists. All that remains is desire."

"So," I spoke slowly, thinking about my words as I said them, "desire is more than an experience, it's a feeling."

"What's the difference?" Gabriel asked, throwing another curve ball at me. "How can you experience something without feeling it? How can you feel something without having some sort of experience associated with it?"

"Are you saying that desire is only something that you experience?"

"It's what you feel."

"So, using your words, one can say that God doesn't 'want' us to be happy or spiritually fulfilled," I said.

"God has everything because God is everything," Gabriel reminded me. "Since God is everything, God experiences all things. Experience is feeling. God doesn't want what God already has. God does, however, desire all things."

I thought about this several long moments. Finally, a peace -- an understanding began to fill me. That's when Gabriel smiled and vanished. Only the warmth of his smile remained.

Desire.

Free Will

If God is all-powerful and loves mankind and wants us to live lovingly, purely, and divinely, why doesn't God simply "fix" everything and make us live the way He wants us to? The obvious answer is: Free Will. God gave us Free Will to choose our actions and follow our choices. So, if God gave mankind Free Will, why can't we give it to each other? And, if God gave us Free Will to choose our actions and our paths, isn't that precisely what we're doing? When people seek to control one another, who's "will" is being served - theirs or God's? What God do we serve when we seek to serve ourselves? Who's God is right?

Why do so many people insist on trying to control others? The answers are many but can be reduced to a single cause -- ego. It is ego that seeks to control because it is ego's perception that the ability to control is a reflection of one's own power. This belief is so deeply planted within us that the majority of us spend our lives trying to figure out how to control others or how to avoid being controlled. Ego seeks comfort through control. As long as an individual feels fully empowered, he has neither need nor desire to control others or situations and circumstances. But, in any situation where the boundaries of one's comfort zone are compromised, one's first reaction is to try to control whatever it is that feels out of control; whatever the apparent cause of discomfort is. As one's perceived ability to control is diminished, he exerts greater effort until it becomes force. Those people who feel most powerless resort to force, often fueled by the energies of anger.

So, how does this define an image of God? Is a vengeful, wrathful, controlling God powerful or powerless? There are many who insist that the image of an angry God is a powerful one indeed. It is this image alone which has kept them bound to a moral path. True. But, is this morality born of love or born of fear? It is human nature to hate what we fear. It is survival instinct to avoid it. How does fearing God serve us? If someone spends his life fearing God yet praying that they'll go to heaven when they die so they can rest eternally in the presence of God -- in the presence of what he has always feared, what kind of living hell must heaven be?

All the logical persuasion in the world will not cause a person to abandon an illogical view of God. Entire wars and crusades have been waged over who's God was "right" and who believed in the "true" God. All mainstream religions espouse that there is only one God. Again, true. But an all-present omnipotence wears countless faces, can be seen differently from infinite angles, and can be colored and molded differently by ever-changing perceptions. For many people, their God is a God of absolute control; dictating and demanding the "rightness" and "wrongness" of their every action, feeling, and thought. To commit a sin results in banishment to hell. To feel sinful emotions such as lust or vengeance results in banishment to hell. To think an impure thought results in banishment to hell. For these people, is the "choice" of a moral path a true choice or merely a means to avoid an undesirable end?

Why is it so difficult to abandon one image of God in favor for another? Why does it take so much courage to do so? Long before we came to understand a concept of God, we came to know the reality of our parents. They were our first Gods; they provided for our every need, they nurtured our every facet of growth, they rewarded us for our achievements and punished us for our "failures." But, our "failures" weren't our failures. They were failures in the eyes of our parents, from their perspectives, based on what they valued or wanted for us. We learned then, from the time we could crawl, that the desires, hopes, and expectations of someone external to us were more important than our own. From that unspoken law, we learned to believe that serving God's will was somehow holier than serving our own. We learned that even if we didn't understand the reasoning behind a commandment, we shouldn't question it; we should only obey it.

The controls and punishments of God correlate directly with the controls and punishments of our parents. Banishment to our rooms for misbehavior is the same as banishment to hell for sinful acts. "Just wait until your father gets home" is tantamount to "Just wait until you die and come face to face with God." As children, we're taught that we're selfish if we don't share our toys. As adults, we feel selfish if we don't donate to charities or help the needy. A requirement for Holy Men throughout the world and the world's religions is that he relinquish all his worldly goods. As children, we learn that we can raise the wrath of our parents if we defy their rules. As adults, we believe we can raise the wrath of God if we don't obey His commandments. If our parents use shame to manipulate our behavior, we grow up feeling ashamed of ourselves. How do children feel whenever they're punished by their parents? They often feel wronged, victimized, and that life isn't fair. But far more devastating than that is the perception of the withdrawal of love. And when we have sinned in God's eyes, we're not worthy of love. As "imperfect" human beings, how can we ever love ourselves? If, by "the grace of God" some of us do learn to love ourselves, we fight a deeper internal battle of guilt or shame for doing so. Changing our view of God requires far more than changing our opinions. It requires changing our entire belief system and re-programming our learned behavior. Many people are so deeply entrenched in their learned behavior patterns that even if they knew that another way of behaving existed, they wouldn't know how to change it.

One of the simplest ways to start is by recognizing that all behavior is learned and that by the time we're eight years old, our programming is complete; but if something can be learned, it can be un-learned. Our brains, like computers can be programmed and re-programmed. But, this takes courage, persistence, and dedication. It requires that we question all things -- including God. When we're taught to not question authority, especially the highest authority and that any attempt to do so will result in punishment, questioning God -- the most fearful and powerful tyrant in existence, is daunting to say the least.

Therefore, many of us give lip service to our belief system, saying that we believe in a God of Free Will yet trying to control or manipulate others into behaving according to our understanding of righteous behavior. But, Free Will is simply that -- free will. There are no strings attached or carrots dangled to get us to change our behavior to something other than what we have chosen. A God of Free Will is a loving God. To love all humanity regardless of humanity's behavior means that God is accepting of all behavior. God -- the Omnipotent Being, is in all things. God is in you too. Love yourself. Love the God within you. But, more than coming to love yourself, love loving yourself. Give the God within you the will to be free.

Crosses

When on a spiritual journey, one will find that he tears himself apart and puts himself back together many times. People often refer to this process as a cross-roads. Those who don't want to make the effort often refer to the situation as a "cross to bear."

In the spiritual realm, there are no crosses to bear. There are no balls and chains. There is nothing to weigh or drag one's self down. There is only growth, release, and freedom. From this, one finds joy.

This and That

For about two weeks (it feels a lot longer), I have been torn between disassociating myself from a group of people because I no longer feel comfortable with it, or continuing my association because I feel it is important to share my “light.”

Isn’t “sharing one’s light” what spirituality is all about? Isn’t this why we seek to become spiritual so that we can act as “Lightworkers” to help raise humanity’s awareness and facilitate growth? Isn’t following a path of spirituality supposed to reduce or eliminate internal struggles?

Yes and no. Absolutely and definitely not.

Throughout all of my back-and-forthing, a quiet voice has consistently reminded me to “live for my highest joy.” This is by no means a hedonistic voice telling me to do only what gratifies my ego-driven whims of the moment. This is the voice of my soul whose only true voice is one of joyousness, love, and peace. By remaining centered in conflict (self-generated no less), I am denying my soul its natural condition of Being. What good can I be to humanity if I’m not spiritually centered? But, a greater question is, what good can I be to myself?

I have said for several years that spirituality is the most self-centered thing in the universe. I love watching reactions of my listeners; usually ones of shock or anger or denial. Once in a while, someone “gets it.” Their eyes light up with the understanding that spirituality is all about being self…centered. If one is not centered in self, one cannot be centered in anything.

I don’t seek balance in my life or condition of being. I seek centeredness. Balance implies duality – separation. Centeredness implies universal integration and acceptance. I’m drawn again to my answers to my questions about being spiritual. I didn’t say “yes or no.” It is “yes and no.” A condition of conflict is ALWAYS an indication of separation.

So, I think about my dilemma and the conflict between my head and heart – my logic and my spirituality, and I am coming to see that as long as I try to separate my spiritual self from my thinking self, I will always have conflict. Spirituality isn’t about “being spiritual” (whatever that means). Spirituality is about integrating the heart (the soul) with the mind. It’s about removing the filters between the two.

Does this integration resolve my dilemma about whether or not to continue my association with the aforementioned group? Yes…and…no. It does, however, resolve the conflict between my head and heart. But, do I really want my conflict resolved? Sometimes, creating conflict helps me see both (or multiple) sides to an issue. But then I ask myself, why do I need conflict to see them? Could it be that I’m more attached to the drama of conflict rather than the conflict itself? Is this why I have continued to separate heart centeredness from logic? Is this why the image of a “spiritual” person always seems to include them walking around in a near state of peaceful stupor? Is it because we’re as attached to the drama of peace as we are to the drama of conflict?

“Bad” things will always happen to “good” people. God will always find a way to rain on your parade, in whatever form that rain appears. Being spiritually centered doesn’t stop the rain, it only stops the discomfort of it. When spirituality is viewed from this perspective, one can say that spirituality hides in plain sight. Those who are not heart centered, will not see the benefits of working to become spiritual. Why bother when “stuff happens” and continues to happen? Those individuals who cannot (or choose not to) see, will abandon a spiritual path before they begin it. It is only by Being centered that one can see and feel the gifts, blessings, and benefits of centeredness. And, it is only by Being centered that one can allow one’s own natural grace to flow to others.

Ah, the spiritual road is a lonely road. Yes…and no. It is a road of aloneness. At some point along the spiritual path, the feeling of loneliness will vanish. At this point, the feeling of aloneness will begin to evolve into a feeling of connectivity with All That Is. This is God’s humor – sick and twisted as it is. My spiritual teacher has often said that if you can’t see God’s twisted humor, you aren’t “getting it.”

Have I yet resolved my dilemma regarding my association with a particular group of people? No. Have I learned great spiritual lessons and achieved spiritual growth from it? Oh, yes. My heart is full of thanksgiving, not for the conflict, but for the many opportunities of resolution between not just the obvious, but every aspect of spiritual growth.

(c) Ronnie Carroll
6/22/2008
http://www.soulsolutionshealing.com

Don’t Take It Personally

How do you not take something personally? When someone cuts you off in traffic, or insults you, or betrays your trust, how do you not take it personally?

You can ignore the action; shrug it off and pretend that it never happened. You can try to justify it on your own terms. You can take a "spiritual" approach to forgive and forget, or you can recognize the internal pain of the individual and understand that the slight really didn't have anything to do with you. But, for so many of us, none of these methods work, or work well, or work for long. We eventually (maybe seconds - maybe years later) react in pain or anger and then berate ourselves for our reaction, always realizing too late that scolding ourselves for feeling any pain at all only adds "insult to injury."

Throughout my entire life (until recent years), I took things personally. Lots of things. Pain and tears were always the result. If there is any one statement I've heard too many times to count, it's "Don't take it personally." Those who issued the statement were well-intentioned. Not wanting to see me hurt, but not knowing how to ease my pain, they gave me the only "medicine" they knew how to give. Take two bromides and call me in the morning. It wasn't until well into adulthood when I learned that my pain was always my pain; no one else's. No one else had the power to ease my pain. It was entirely my responsibility, my choice, and my creation.

There were many times another statement was coupled with the "Don't take it personally" platitude. I was often counseled to not be so sensitive. In my late teen years, I decided that I didn't want to give up my sensitivity even if it meant more pain for me. If I lost my sensitivity, I wouldn't be sensitive to others' emotions or conditions of being, and I didn't want to cause anyone else the pain that I so often felt. I saw myself becoming a brute or cad through loss of sensitivity. So, I endured pain time and again. Too many times I cried myself to sleep and all my pillows were spotted from tears. I became intimately acquainted with pain.

In my struggle to come to terms with pain, I tried to void it by denying my emotions. If I didn't let myself feel so emotionally "up," I wouldn't feel so emotionally "down." I became a walking neutrality, neither living nor dead. But, the pain lessened. So too did the joys in life. I found that I couldn't feel as great a sense of pride or pleasure from my creativity or a job well done as I could when I was allowing myself the full spectrum of emotion. Then, I began hearing people say, "Ronnie, you should take more pride in your accomplishments." But, I couldn't - not if I didn't want to take things personally. Taking personal pride in an accomplishment is no different than taking personal affront to an insult or rebuke. The energies are the same. It's still taking something personally. The more I tried to feel one (the pride) but not the other (the pain), the greater a schism I created in myself and the more I evaded reality. Wholeness of being cannot be achieved by faking reality in any manner.

At the core of their essence, physical pain is the same as internal pain. Both hurt. And both are imbued with emotion - generally anger or despair. Our emotional response to physical pain can happen so quickly that the pain and response may seem simultaneous. How quickly did you react in anger the last time you stubbed your toe or whacked your thumb with a hammer or banged your head? Our emotional response to internal pain can be so entwined that the two may seem inseparable. How often have we experienced internal pain and then succumbed to depression or despair over it until the emotion itself seemed to be the pain?

In my life, I have experienced what I classify as two types of physical pain; acute and chronic. The acute was the toe-stubbing, head-banging, or thumb-whacking trick. The pain was sudden, intense, and local. I have also experienced the chronic pain of kidney stones where the pain was relentless and inescapable. A drug - a combination of codeine and morphine, didn't dent the pain. In desperation, I turned to meditation and discovered an amazing characteristic of physical pain. It was when I attached emotion to pain that it became painful.

I can remember lying on my couch (or bed or floor) consumed by pain and fighting it until I broke into a sweat and vomited. But, I eventually came to learn that if I could get past fighting the pain, I could deal with it. I began to allow myself to get into the pain - to experience it fully. It felt as if I were allowing myself to sink into the essence of my being and drown in that ocean of pain, and when I did - when I released my fear or hatred of it, the pain was no longer painful. The pain was still with me, but only as an undefined sensation, neither good nor bad –as if shielded by a powerful drug.

Pain can be viewed in many ways; as evil, as God’s curse, as an enemy. All these ways share a common energy: the force of evil, the power of a curse, the strength of an enemy – something tangible and to be fought. But, where there is no resistance, there can be no force. So, for me, the dichotomy of fighting my pain was by accepting it. By accepting it, I released it. I had to get into my pain before I could get out of it.

Internal pain, which we often call emotional pain, works the same way. The pain exists to tell us that something is “wrong;” that something needs to be healed. The pain could be acute: the pain of an insult or reprimand. The pain could be chronic: grief or unresolved resentment or any long term loss. The emotions that we attach to the pain are our forms of resistance or denial. So, whenever you feel internal pain, do take it personally. Get into that pain. Don’t try to ignore it or “shame” it into remission or invalidate it. Accept it. Revel in it. Grovel in it. Bring it on! When the first onslaught of emotion subsides, the pain – unmasked for what it is, will be revealed. Once you stop fighting it, you’ll be able to bless it for the gift of healing that it offers. It is only by overcoming pain that we overcome it.

As I look back through the years, I realize that I have been blessed to have taken so many things so personally. I didn’t listen to the purveyors of platitudes who said, “Don’t take it personally. It wasn’t meant for you.” No? Then why had I chosen to be in that circumstance or to create the circumstances which developed the incident? I began to see that from each stab of pain, I had the opportunity to heal the wound and make myself whole. Now, because I have healed many of my wounds, I’m no longer injured by as many of the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” as I once was. In these cases, I don’t take things personally because I no longer have to. I have also discovered that when I am free of pain, I no longer seek to inflict it on others.

If any of what I’ve written here resonates with you, then yes, do take it personally. I am speaking directly to you – you who are reading this now. You are Divine. You are God’s greatest expression of creation…and yes, you can take that personally too.

The Cannibal's Credo

1. You make me happy.
2. You made me mad.
3. It’s not my fault.
4. Who am I to know?
5. Why can’t I get what I want?
6. Sometimes things just happen.
7. I’m not good enough.
8. I couldn’t help it.
9. I’ll try.
10. I’m afraid it won’t work.
11. There’s nothing I can do about it.
12. If only…
13. I wish…
14. I have my limitations.
15. I don’t have time.
16. I’d like to, but…
17. I can’t deal with this.
18. You don’t love me.
19. If you only knew.
20. I’m afraid I’ll fail.
21. I can't live without you.

We, The Angels

There are some things seen in darkness
More clearly than in the Light.
It's your pain of separateness from God
That shows you things aren't right.
It's anguish that makes you want to learn.
It's heartache that makes you grow.
It's uncertainty and bitterness
That make you doubt all you would know.

We, the Angels know your grief.
We've felt it all the same.
We too once shunned Divinity
While lost in the profane
Until we came to see the light
And in it we saw too
That those who are the Love of God
Are all of us and you.

So, embrace the dark; be not afraid.
We, the Angels gather near
To celebrate all that you are
And your triumph through your fear.
Take heart, for in the shadowed depth
If you but reach above,
We, the Angels are waiting here
To enfold you in God's Love.

Dear Ones, we've loved you as our own
Since your journey first began.
Each time you've cried in despair, "I cant!"
We've answered, "Yes, you can."
You cannot fail to find God's Love,
We know this in our hearts.
We've cheered and nudged and guided you
Through all your stops and starts.

We, the Angels are now the ones
Who feel most deeply blessed;
When you give to yourself your gifts of grace
You give unto the rest.
You are Divine, forget this not
When you feel the darkness grow
For We, the Angels of Living Light
Love you more than you'll ever know.

(c) 12/31/2006

His Majesty

With a mighty burst of yellow flame
His Majesty crowns the skies.
Another solstice bears his fame.
His strength is on the rise.
He needs no fanfare to announce
his glory or his power;
the days in summer's robes pronounce
this is his finest hour.
His Majesty attends his reign;
the heavens form his throne
and by his radiance proclaim
his right to rule alone.
His Majesty - the summer sun
and source of life to all,
at highest apex his courses run
before equinox's fall.
And with his strength of summer's light
he blazes his decrees
that all will know his fearsome might
in sweltering degrees.
And we, who live beneath his fire
rejoice through summer's fun
the hours lengthen as he marches higher
before the daylight's done.
Each twilight lingers ever longer
as if unwilling to secede
to His Majesty's light that's ever stronger
unleashed from midnight's greed.
So live in celebration
each day through all things done
and reflect in joyous jubilation
His Majesty - the sun.

(c) 6/04/2008

Watering Weeds

(This is the transcript of my presentation to the Unity Church of Clearwater Valley, Lewiston, Idaho on Sunday, May 18, 2008. I am especially proud of this because I gave this speech without consulting any notes.)

Today, I'm going to talk about watering weeds. When my husband and I lived in Arizona, we put our house up on some land that realtors like to refer to as "unimproved property." It wasn't just unimproved; it was raw. It was nothing more than a piece of Arizona desert covered with a liberal dotting of very thorny mesquite trees, a tangle of scrub brush, and a sea of chest high, dry, prickly weeds. My husband liked to say that everything native to Arizona had fangs, claws, and was poisonous - and that was just the plant life. But, we braved the plant life, moved onto the property, and set about taming the wild weeds.

Eventually, the mesquite trees began to look like actual trees and we had cleared enough brush and weeds that I no longer had to hire safari guides every time I walked to the mailbox. But, our pride and joy was the grass. It got to the point when once the summer rains came, you could see a sheen of green over our property and if you looked closely enough, sure enough, you could see grass. We nurtured it, babied it, and coaxed it. We even pleaded with it a time or two, but we always, always fought the weeds. It was a never-ending battle. Have you ever noticed how a weed will grow where nothing else will? That's because some weeds have the ability to establish themselves and choke out all other forms of life. So, I knew that if I didn't keep after my weeds, they'd get after me and I'd have to hire safari guides again.

But, there was one plant that was an exception. This plant grew about three feet tall and was composed of a series of tall, spindly stalks that came up from the ground from a single point. Each stalk was covered with hundreds of tiny apricot colored blossoms and it stayed in bloom from spring, all the way through the blistering summer, and into autumn. It was so pretty, I didn't have the heart to pull it.

I remembered my brother telling me many years ago that the technical definition of a weed is any unwanted plant - any unwanted plant. He said that by that definition, you could have a bed full of American Beauty roses and if you didn't want them, they could be considered weeds. That's an odd perspective but it's one that holds true to so many things today especially when I think about all the beliefs we develop and defend based on perspective alone. Odd or not, it was enough justification for me to tend the plant. Some time after we moved onto the property, a neighbor came by and identified the plant for me as apricot mallow. Shortly after she identified it, I saw it advertised in one of those seed, nursery catalogues and they were selling it for a tidy sum. I thought how fortunate I was to have it growing wild on my property. Well, it grew wild on everyone's property. I, however, was the only one who watered mine. We had another neighbor who loved to tease me about it too. Every time he drove by and saw me outside, regardless of what I'd be doing, he'd yell from his truck, "There's Ronnie, watering her weeds again!" I encouraged his teasing. I had fun with it and we both enjoyed it. But, for as much fun as I had, it made me think.

How many of us have our own inner gardens of growth? Over the years, I've noticed that mine has had plenty of weeds. I think of these weeds as undesirable pieces of my personality, my mannerisms, habits, or traits; the ways I react to things - the buttons that get pushed. Just like in an external garden, some weeds are easy to get rid of. You can pull them up by the roots, toss them away, and you're rid of them. Other weeds are impossible to pull. Those are the weeds that didn't grow overnight and their roots go very deep. Other weeds are persistent. No matter how many times you pull them, they keep coming back. So, I dedicated my focus on tending my inner garden because I didn't want my weeds to choke out my other forms of life - my other ways of expressing myself; my God light. But, I began to notice that the more I focused on my weeds, the more of them I saw.

Now, it's common knowledge that the more we look for something, the more likely we are to see it. In fact, sometimes we can focus on something so much that it's the only thing we see. But, there's the other hand. (With me, there's always the other hand). In this case, the other hand is the law of attraction. It's my understanding that the law of attraction works when we focus on something so much that we begin to experience its energies. Once we experience the energies, we align them with ours and when energies align, they attract to one another, like magnets.

So now, I was in quite a quandry. How was I ever going to rid my garden of weeds if I didn't focus on them? How was I going to rid my garden of weeds if I did? I eventually figured out that all I had to do, to rid my garden of weeds, was to quit watering them. That's not saying that I ignored them or denied that they existed, but that I didn't have to focus all my attention on them. And when I stepped back and "detached" from my weeds, I noticed that not all of them were unwanted. Just like my apricot mallow, there were some I didn't want to get rid of.

For example, I have been told many, many times in my life that I'm stubborn. I'm also Scottish and for a Scot, being stubborn is a matter of national pride. But as I detached from my weed of stubbornness, I noticed something so obvious - but something I'd never seen until I detached. I discovered that people told me I was stubborn only when I disagreed with them - never when I agreed. Never, in all my life whenever I've agreed with someone have they ever said, "Boy, Ronnie, you sure are stubborn!" I saw this as labeling me - not labeling the "who" of who I was, but labeling my manner of expression.

All labels limit...All labels limit. Even the labels of "good." Whenever we label something as "good," we limit it from expressing itself beyond the boundaries of what we've determined as good. We put it into a box of everything that's good and if it expresses itself outside the boundaries of that box, one of two things may happen. We stop seeing it as good or we stop seeing it altogether. There are many people who have a fundamental or traditional view of God and they've put God in this box that they've labeled as "good" or "divine" or "all powerful" or even simply as everything that feels good. God is larger than any box any human can build and on occasion, God expresses outside that box. That's when life can get confusing and people will start to ask, "Why? Why did God let that happen? Why does God allow this to continue?...Just what kind of a God are you anyway?"

These are wonderful questions! For many, this is their first recognition and acknowledgment that God is larger than that box they've so conveniently stuffed Him into. I encourage people to challenge God. God doesn't care. His shoulders are broad. And, if you can't trust God for mercy, who can you trust?

So, when someone labeled me, or when I labeled myself as stubborn, I was limiting myself. From this, I saw that whenever ego (the false self) insists that we label ourselves, it is demanding that we limit ourselves. When we use labels to limit others, we're using them to try to control others. We all know that it's impossible to control or change anyone else. The only person in our life that we can ever change is ourself. We all know this. So, why is the world full of people who insist on trying to control others? And, what's even more mystifying, why do their efforts seem to work? What tool were people using to try to get me to change?

The more I detached from my stubbornness, the more clearly I saw it. Again, this detachment didn't mean that I quit being stubborn. It meant that while I was experiencing the energies of stubbornness I was able to step outside of myself and watch - observe myself being stubborn; to be aware of how I felt about my stubbornness. When I did that, I saw that the tool that people use to try to change others is guilt. But, it wasn't their guilt they were instilling in me to get me to change. It was my guilt; my own guilt that I brought up from within myself to my own detriment and my own limitation. That's when I saw that guilt is the only weapon of control for which the recipient determines the severity of force. When I saw this, I also saw that there were times I didn't want to stop being stubborn. There have been times in my life when I've had to stand up for my convictions and I lacked the courage. So, I used stubbornness as a crutch - a temporary tool to get me through. It was a weed I didn't want to get rid of.

I can also be terribly indecisive. I was raised in Unity Church in Columbus, Ohio and I remember that the church had a practice of celebrating the children's birthdays by inviting them up to the chancel to pick a gift - a small, inexpensive gift that would attract a child. My big day came and I was called up to the chancel and was offered the choice between a small child's purse and a box of crayons. Now, I was at the age where I had noticed that my mother had a purse and I wanted one too. So, I saw that purse and I really wanted it. But then, I saw the crayons - big, shiny, bright, fat crayons! I loved crayons - I still do. I couldn't get enough crayons. So there I stood debating between something I so deeply wanted and something I so dearly loved. And while I debated, the congregation of about 200 people...waited. And they waited...[long pause]...and they waited. Finally the minister said, "Honey, why don't we put these away for now and while you're in Sunday school you can think about it, and when you come out, you can pick the one you want." I didn't want to do that. I'm stubborn, remember? Finally, I made the gut-wrenching choice and returned to my seat amid the collective sighs of 200 people.

I can remember my father telling me, "Ronnie, if you were a mule" - again, there's a reference to my stubbornness - "If you were a mule standing exactly in the middle between of two piles of hay of equal size, you'd starve to death because you couldn't decide which one to eat from first." When I was a senior in high school, all my friends and classmates knew not only what college they wanted to attend, but also what they wanted to major in. I couldn't decide. I was interested in everything from A to Z - from astronomy to zoology (which happens to be the study of zoos). To this day, I still haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up. I've been indecisive all my life.

But, this indecisiveness has allowed me to see multiple sides to issues. Maybe it's been seeing multiple sides that's made me indecisive. It's one hand washing the other - either way works. Because of this, I'm not so prone to say, "It's my way or the highway" or "this is what I want and I don't even want to consider your side," or "this is how I see it; end of story." Because of this, I had a prior job in Arizona where I was used as a mediator between management and the workforce and I was honored to do this. Not many people can mediate between the two sides.

At this same job, I had a boss who became my professional mentor. I remember him telling me once, "Ronnie, I surround myself with the most capable, competent staff I can find because I'm lazy." I decided, right then, that I wanted to be lazy too. But, I didn't just want to be lazy; I wanted to be successfully lazy. I love coming up with all sorts of innovative ways to waste my time but in order for me to do that, I have to have the time. I currently have a job that has many duties and responsibilities, all of which have to be done either at a certain time or by a certain time. I can't control what might crop up in the meantime so I have to be organized and efficient at what I do. My current supervisor likes to tease me on occasion by saying, "Ronnie, I'm having a hard time getting used to your efficiency." I tease him back and I say, "I keep telling you, I'm lazy."

So, someone can justifiably say, "Ronnie, you're lazy, indecisive, and stubborn to boot." When I look at these traits as weeds, and especially if I water them with guilt, they can be a deadly combination. So, any more, when I notice that I'm watering my weeds, I try not to pay as much attention to the weed that I'm watering as I pay to the act of watering it. What am I watering my weed with? Am I watering it with guilt or with love? How do I feel about it? Do I feel uncomfortable, or accepting? And whenever I insist on continuing to water my weeds, I have to ask, "What part of a loving God wants to keep me in darkness, stunted, and struggling for life? What part of a loving God wants to cast blame or shame?

I'm going to talk about William Shakespeare for just a moment. He has a line in a play, and I honestly don't remember if it is "Hamlet" or "Macbeth" but the scene is a father talking to his son and the father says, "This above all else, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." What was Shakespeare saying? How we see or treat ourselves is the same way we see and treat everyone else. I'm not good at all at quoting scripture, but didn't the Christ say, "What you do unto the least of my bretheren you also do unto me." What was he saying? Whatever you do to others, you also do to yourself. So, here we have two issues that are opposite sides of the same coin. What I do to others, I do to myself. What I do to myself, I do to everyone else. Why is that? Why do both of these work?

They work because we are all ONE. We are all together, God. And every one of you, without exception, is God's most perfect expression of His Divine, Living Light. So, give yourself the grace and compassion of forgiveness. Only when you forgive yourself, can you truly love yourself. When you love yourself, you can't help but love everyone else. And when you love yourself and others, you truly honor God.

Thank you very much.