This and That

For about two weeks (it feels a lot longer), I have been torn between disassociating myself from a group of people because I no longer feel comfortable with it, or continuing my association because I feel it is important to share my “light.”

Isn’t “sharing one’s light” what spirituality is all about? Isn’t this why we seek to become spiritual so that we can act as “Lightworkers” to help raise humanity’s awareness and facilitate growth? Isn’t following a path of spirituality supposed to reduce or eliminate internal struggles?

Yes and no. Absolutely and definitely not.

Throughout all of my back-and-forthing, a quiet voice has consistently reminded me to “live for my highest joy.” This is by no means a hedonistic voice telling me to do only what gratifies my ego-driven whims of the moment. This is the voice of my soul whose only true voice is one of joyousness, love, and peace. By remaining centered in conflict (self-generated no less), I am denying my soul its natural condition of Being. What good can I be to humanity if I’m not spiritually centered? But, a greater question is, what good can I be to myself?

I have said for several years that spirituality is the most self-centered thing in the universe. I love watching reactions of my listeners; usually ones of shock or anger or denial. Once in a while, someone “gets it.” Their eyes light up with the understanding that spirituality is all about being self…centered. If one is not centered in self, one cannot be centered in anything.

I don’t seek balance in my life or condition of being. I seek centeredness. Balance implies duality – separation. Centeredness implies universal integration and acceptance. I’m drawn again to my answers to my questions about being spiritual. I didn’t say “yes or no.” It is “yes and no.” A condition of conflict is ALWAYS an indication of separation.

So, I think about my dilemma and the conflict between my head and heart – my logic and my spirituality, and I am coming to see that as long as I try to separate my spiritual self from my thinking self, I will always have conflict. Spirituality isn’t about “being spiritual” (whatever that means). Spirituality is about integrating the heart (the soul) with the mind. It’s about removing the filters between the two.

Does this integration resolve my dilemma about whether or not to continue my association with the aforementioned group? Yes…and…no. It does, however, resolve the conflict between my head and heart. But, do I really want my conflict resolved? Sometimes, creating conflict helps me see both (or multiple) sides to an issue. But then I ask myself, why do I need conflict to see them? Could it be that I’m more attached to the drama of conflict rather than the conflict itself? Is this why I have continued to separate heart centeredness from logic? Is this why the image of a “spiritual” person always seems to include them walking around in a near state of peaceful stupor? Is it because we’re as attached to the drama of peace as we are to the drama of conflict?

“Bad” things will always happen to “good” people. God will always find a way to rain on your parade, in whatever form that rain appears. Being spiritually centered doesn’t stop the rain, it only stops the discomfort of it. When spirituality is viewed from this perspective, one can say that spirituality hides in plain sight. Those who are not heart centered, will not see the benefits of working to become spiritual. Why bother when “stuff happens” and continues to happen? Those individuals who cannot (or choose not to) see, will abandon a spiritual path before they begin it. It is only by Being centered that one can see and feel the gifts, blessings, and benefits of centeredness. And, it is only by Being centered that one can allow one’s own natural grace to flow to others.

Ah, the spiritual road is a lonely road. Yes…and no. It is a road of aloneness. At some point along the spiritual path, the feeling of loneliness will vanish. At this point, the feeling of aloneness will begin to evolve into a feeling of connectivity with All That Is. This is God’s humor – sick and twisted as it is. My spiritual teacher has often said that if you can’t see God’s twisted humor, you aren’t “getting it.”

Have I yet resolved my dilemma regarding my association with a particular group of people? No. Have I learned great spiritual lessons and achieved spiritual growth from it? Oh, yes. My heart is full of thanksgiving, not for the conflict, but for the many opportunities of resolution between not just the obvious, but every aspect of spiritual growth.

(c) Ronnie Carroll
6/22/2008
http://www.soulsolutionshealing.com

Don’t Take It Personally

How do you not take something personally? When someone cuts you off in traffic, or insults you, or betrays your trust, how do you not take it personally?

You can ignore the action; shrug it off and pretend that it never happened. You can try to justify it on your own terms. You can take a "spiritual" approach to forgive and forget, or you can recognize the internal pain of the individual and understand that the slight really didn't have anything to do with you. But, for so many of us, none of these methods work, or work well, or work for long. We eventually (maybe seconds - maybe years later) react in pain or anger and then berate ourselves for our reaction, always realizing too late that scolding ourselves for feeling any pain at all only adds "insult to injury."

Throughout my entire life (until recent years), I took things personally. Lots of things. Pain and tears were always the result. If there is any one statement I've heard too many times to count, it's "Don't take it personally." Those who issued the statement were well-intentioned. Not wanting to see me hurt, but not knowing how to ease my pain, they gave me the only "medicine" they knew how to give. Take two bromides and call me in the morning. It wasn't until well into adulthood when I learned that my pain was always my pain; no one else's. No one else had the power to ease my pain. It was entirely my responsibility, my choice, and my creation.

There were many times another statement was coupled with the "Don't take it personally" platitude. I was often counseled to not be so sensitive. In my late teen years, I decided that I didn't want to give up my sensitivity even if it meant more pain for me. If I lost my sensitivity, I wouldn't be sensitive to others' emotions or conditions of being, and I didn't want to cause anyone else the pain that I so often felt. I saw myself becoming a brute or cad through loss of sensitivity. So, I endured pain time and again. Too many times I cried myself to sleep and all my pillows were spotted from tears. I became intimately acquainted with pain.

In my struggle to come to terms with pain, I tried to void it by denying my emotions. If I didn't let myself feel so emotionally "up," I wouldn't feel so emotionally "down." I became a walking neutrality, neither living nor dead. But, the pain lessened. So too did the joys in life. I found that I couldn't feel as great a sense of pride or pleasure from my creativity or a job well done as I could when I was allowing myself the full spectrum of emotion. Then, I began hearing people say, "Ronnie, you should take more pride in your accomplishments." But, I couldn't - not if I didn't want to take things personally. Taking personal pride in an accomplishment is no different than taking personal affront to an insult or rebuke. The energies are the same. It's still taking something personally. The more I tried to feel one (the pride) but not the other (the pain), the greater a schism I created in myself and the more I evaded reality. Wholeness of being cannot be achieved by faking reality in any manner.

At the core of their essence, physical pain is the same as internal pain. Both hurt. And both are imbued with emotion - generally anger or despair. Our emotional response to physical pain can happen so quickly that the pain and response may seem simultaneous. How quickly did you react in anger the last time you stubbed your toe or whacked your thumb with a hammer or banged your head? Our emotional response to internal pain can be so entwined that the two may seem inseparable. How often have we experienced internal pain and then succumbed to depression or despair over it until the emotion itself seemed to be the pain?

In my life, I have experienced what I classify as two types of physical pain; acute and chronic. The acute was the toe-stubbing, head-banging, or thumb-whacking trick. The pain was sudden, intense, and local. I have also experienced the chronic pain of kidney stones where the pain was relentless and inescapable. A drug - a combination of codeine and morphine, didn't dent the pain. In desperation, I turned to meditation and discovered an amazing characteristic of physical pain. It was when I attached emotion to pain that it became painful.

I can remember lying on my couch (or bed or floor) consumed by pain and fighting it until I broke into a sweat and vomited. But, I eventually came to learn that if I could get past fighting the pain, I could deal with it. I began to allow myself to get into the pain - to experience it fully. It felt as if I were allowing myself to sink into the essence of my being and drown in that ocean of pain, and when I did - when I released my fear or hatred of it, the pain was no longer painful. The pain was still with me, but only as an undefined sensation, neither good nor bad –as if shielded by a powerful drug.

Pain can be viewed in many ways; as evil, as God’s curse, as an enemy. All these ways share a common energy: the force of evil, the power of a curse, the strength of an enemy – something tangible and to be fought. But, where there is no resistance, there can be no force. So, for me, the dichotomy of fighting my pain was by accepting it. By accepting it, I released it. I had to get into my pain before I could get out of it.

Internal pain, which we often call emotional pain, works the same way. The pain exists to tell us that something is “wrong;” that something needs to be healed. The pain could be acute: the pain of an insult or reprimand. The pain could be chronic: grief or unresolved resentment or any long term loss. The emotions that we attach to the pain are our forms of resistance or denial. So, whenever you feel internal pain, do take it personally. Get into that pain. Don’t try to ignore it or “shame” it into remission or invalidate it. Accept it. Revel in it. Grovel in it. Bring it on! When the first onslaught of emotion subsides, the pain – unmasked for what it is, will be revealed. Once you stop fighting it, you’ll be able to bless it for the gift of healing that it offers. It is only by overcoming pain that we overcome it.

As I look back through the years, I realize that I have been blessed to have taken so many things so personally. I didn’t listen to the purveyors of platitudes who said, “Don’t take it personally. It wasn’t meant for you.” No? Then why had I chosen to be in that circumstance or to create the circumstances which developed the incident? I began to see that from each stab of pain, I had the opportunity to heal the wound and make myself whole. Now, because I have healed many of my wounds, I’m no longer injured by as many of the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” as I once was. In these cases, I don’t take things personally because I no longer have to. I have also discovered that when I am free of pain, I no longer seek to inflict it on others.

If any of what I’ve written here resonates with you, then yes, do take it personally. I am speaking directly to you – you who are reading this now. You are Divine. You are God’s greatest expression of creation…and yes, you can take that personally too.

The Cannibal's Credo

1. You make me happy.
2. You made me mad.
3. It’s not my fault.
4. Who am I to know?
5. Why can’t I get what I want?
6. Sometimes things just happen.
7. I’m not good enough.
8. I couldn’t help it.
9. I’ll try.
10. I’m afraid it won’t work.
11. There’s nothing I can do about it.
12. If only…
13. I wish…
14. I have my limitations.
15. I don’t have time.
16. I’d like to, but…
17. I can’t deal with this.
18. You don’t love me.
19. If you only knew.
20. I’m afraid I’ll fail.
21. I can't live without you.

We, The Angels

There are some things seen in darkness
More clearly than in the Light.
It's your pain of separateness from God
That shows you things aren't right.
It's anguish that makes you want to learn.
It's heartache that makes you grow.
It's uncertainty and bitterness
That make you doubt all you would know.

We, the Angels know your grief.
We've felt it all the same.
We too once shunned Divinity
While lost in the profane
Until we came to see the light
And in it we saw too
That those who are the Love of God
Are all of us and you.

So, embrace the dark; be not afraid.
We, the Angels gather near
To celebrate all that you are
And your triumph through your fear.
Take heart, for in the shadowed depth
If you but reach above,
We, the Angels are waiting here
To enfold you in God's Love.

Dear Ones, we've loved you as our own
Since your journey first began.
Each time you've cried in despair, "I cant!"
We've answered, "Yes, you can."
You cannot fail to find God's Love,
We know this in our hearts.
We've cheered and nudged and guided you
Through all your stops and starts.

We, the Angels are now the ones
Who feel most deeply blessed;
When you give to yourself your gifts of grace
You give unto the rest.
You are Divine, forget this not
When you feel the darkness grow
For We, the Angels of Living Light
Love you more than you'll ever know.

(c) 12/31/2006

His Majesty

With a mighty burst of yellow flame
His Majesty crowns the skies.
Another solstice bears his fame.
His strength is on the rise.
He needs no fanfare to announce
his glory or his power;
the days in summer's robes pronounce
this is his finest hour.
His Majesty attends his reign;
the heavens form his throne
and by his radiance proclaim
his right to rule alone.
His Majesty - the summer sun
and source of life to all,
at highest apex his courses run
before equinox's fall.
And with his strength of summer's light
he blazes his decrees
that all will know his fearsome might
in sweltering degrees.
And we, who live beneath his fire
rejoice through summer's fun
the hours lengthen as he marches higher
before the daylight's done.
Each twilight lingers ever longer
as if unwilling to secede
to His Majesty's light that's ever stronger
unleashed from midnight's greed.
So live in celebration
each day through all things done
and reflect in joyous jubilation
His Majesty - the sun.

(c) 6/04/2008