For about two weeks (it feels a lot longer), I have been torn between disassociating myself from a group of people because I no longer feel comfortable with it, or continuing my association because I feel it is important to share my “light.”
Isn’t “sharing one’s light” what spirituality is all about? Isn’t this why we seek to become spiritual so that we can act as “Lightworkers” to help raise humanity’s awareness and facilitate growth? Isn’t following a path of spirituality supposed to reduce or eliminate internal struggles?
Throughout all of my back-and-forthing, a quiet voice has consistently reminded me to “live for my highest joy.” This is by no means a hedonistic voice telling me to do only what gratifies my ego-driven whims of the moment. This is the voice of my soul whose only true voice is one of joyousness, love, and peace. By remaining centered in conflict (self-generated no less), I am denying my soul its natural condition of Being. What good can I be to humanity if I’m not spiritually centered? But, a greater question is, what good can I be to myself?
I have said for several years that spirituality is the most self-centered thing in the universe. I love watching reactions of my listeners; usually ones of shock or anger or denial. Once in a while, someone “gets it.” Their eyes light up with the understanding that spirituality is all about being self…centered. If one is not centered in self, one cannot be centered in anything.
I don’t seek balance in my life or condition of being. I seek centeredness. Balance implies duality – separation. Centeredness implies universal integration and acceptance. I’m drawn again to my answers to my questions about being spiritual. I didn’t say “yes or no.” It is “yes and no.” A condition of conflict is ALWAYS an indication of separation.
So, I think about my dilemma and the conflict between my head and heart – my logic and my spirituality, and I am coming to see that as long as I try to separate my spiritual self from my thinking self, I will always have conflict. Spirituality isn’t about “being spiritual” (whatever that means). Spirituality is about integrating the heart (the soul) with the mind. It’s about removing the filters between the two.
Does this integration resolve my dilemma about whether or not to continue my association with the aforementioned group? Yes…and…no. It does, however, resolve the conflict between my head and heart. But, do I really want my conflict resolved? Sometimes, creating conflict helps me see both (or multiple) sides to an issue. But then I ask myself, why do I need conflict to see them? Could it be that I’m more attached to the drama of conflict rather than the conflict itself? Is this why I have continued to separate heart centeredness from logic? Is this why the image of a “spiritual” person always seems to include them walking around in a near state of peaceful stupor? Is it because we’re as attached to the drama of peace as we are to the drama of conflict?
“Bad” things will always happen to “good” people. God will always find a way to rain on your parade, in whatever form that rain appears. Being spiritually centered doesn’t stop the rain, it only stops the discomfort of it. When spirituality is viewed from this perspective, one can say that spirituality hides in plain sight. Those who are not heart centered, will not see the benefits of working to become spiritual. Why bother when “stuff happens” and continues to happen? Those individuals who cannot (or choose not to) see, will abandon a spiritual path before they begin it. It is only by Being centered that one can see and feel the gifts, blessings, and benefits of centeredness. And, it is only by Being centered that one can allow one’s own natural grace to flow to others.
Ah, the spiritual road is a lonely road. Yes…and no. It is a road of aloneness. At some point along the spiritual path, the feeling of loneliness will vanish. At this point, the feeling of aloneness will begin to evolve into a feeling of connectivity with All That Is. This is God’s humor – sick and twisted as it is. My spiritual teacher has often said that if you can’t see God’s twisted humor, you aren’t “getting it.”
Have I yet resolved my dilemma regarding my association with a particular group of people? No. Have I learned great spiritual lessons and achieved spiritual growth from it? Oh, yes. My heart is full of thanksgiving, not for the conflict, but for the many opportunities of resolution between not just the obvious, but every aspect of spiritual growth.
(c) Ronnie Carroll
6/22/2008
http://www.soulsolutionshealing.com
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